The Essential Guide to Star Wars Sues
by Imaginary Freind
Summary: Funny, but still quite horrifying information on the demon who haunts our favourite Jedi - Mary-Sue.
1. Chapter I: The Types of Sue

The Essential Guide to Star Wars Sues.   
Original Guide by Feana Puddlefoot.   
This Guide by That Crazy Person with a Pen. 

Mary-Sue. She is found swarming around fanfiction, sucking up every natural resource that fandom has to offer and in turn discarding any pieces of canon she finds unnecessary. One must always be wary of Mary-Sue. She lurks in the corner ready to strike a character. Under her gaze Qui-Gon becomes a father figure; Obi-Wan a caring brother and Anakin a love interest. Yoda admires her, for she is more wise in the force than he, and Padme wonders 'how she can be so much more beautiful than me?' If you are wondering too, then read on... 

_The Forms of Sues___

_Jedi Sue_   
Description: "Her lightsaber flashed, astounding Qui-Gon", "She was more agile than Master Yoda", "Anakin startled at how quickly she had beat him into the ground!".   
Age: 17-22.   
Personality: She doesn't have one. She is just there; beats Anakin; beats Sith; gets boinked; the end.   
Weapons: Lightsaber, normally with a silver or gold blade. Blue, green and purple are too basic for the Jedi Sue. Henceforth she must inherit a silver lightsaber with a hilt of diamond from her mother. I must take a moment to puke.   
Special Abilities: The Force obviously, making Yoda look as if he has a terminal lack of force powers. Occasionally this will include her having force lightning, a dark side power or a completely new force power.   
Love interests? Anakin, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. If they are from the New Republic, Luke (Mara Jade? Who is she then?).   
Is she going to die? Fifty-fifty chance here. Nn the one hand she may die in a tragic battle with Darth Whoever. On the other hand she may just be tragically injured, and have to be ... nursed back to health.   
How common is she? Very, very common.__

_Pilot Sue_   
Description: "She looked good in a helmet and orange jumpsuit" , "Her A-Wing/X-Wing/Non-Existant Z-Wing swerved round, ahead of the fleet and shot, destroying the TIE fighter/ Imperial Star Destroyer/Death Star", "She hugged the droid, 'I could have done it without ya, R4-D4 and C6-PO!'". Yes, you read those right.   
Age: 17-22.   
Personality: She has a particularly fiery spirit and is always enthusiastic about anything and everything... damn her.   
Weapons: Hand Blaster, unless of course she is force sensitive in which case she will somehow have a lightsaber... they are always force sensitive.   
Special Abilities: Being able to fly like an ace; destroy three Death Stars (But I thought there were two?) and despite annoying everyone in the general area, get somebody to do something that isn't flying in her ship... like having lunch.   
Love interests? Lando Calrissian, Wedge Antilles, Luke Skywalker are all suckers for her.   
Is she going to die? No, not a chance in hell.   
How common is she? As common as the common cold. She is everywhere with her ...uh... "sweet infectious enthusiasm".__

_Orphan Sue_   
Description: "She was dressed in rags, with dirt on her face, but Luke still found her very beautiful" , "Somehow, she had gained access to a lightsaber, a ship, a blaster and a switchblade while she was on the forest moon of Endor/Abandoned Streets of Coruscant".   
Age: 17-22 ... deja vu anyone?   
Personality: Shy and skittish for chapter one; acting like an alien for chapter two; completely normal for chapter three; angry and scornful in chapter four; forgiving in chapter five and finally without a personality for chapter six. She remains like that for the rest of the story, occasionally being shocked. If only I meant that literally.   
Weapons: Lightsaber, Blaster, Switchblade, just mix and match those three weapons: Switchsaber! Lightblaster! Blastblade!   
Special Abilities: Having a personality change every chapter and gaining possesion of things she really shouldn't have. For all you perverts out there I mean a lightsaber. No, I don't mean a lightsaber like that!   
Love interests: Anyone.   
Is she going to die? Yes.   
How common is she? Fairly common.__

_Sith Sue_   
Description: "She was dressed in a sleek black catsuit", "She performed acrobatic leaps, her lightsaber/lightsaber claws/lightning encased fists twirling" "Her foot landed in Anakin's (insert body part of your choice) and she rammed her weapon into his chest. Anakin groaned and collapsed, dead".   
Age: Well, normally, she has been awoken from a Sith Temple on Yavin so about 5000 years old, but she looks 17-22!   
Personality: She normally starts out evil, and maybe kills a few skilled Jedi, but eventually she turns to the light side and everyone forgives her. Aww.   
Weapons She can have either a lightsaber, energy claws or force lightning. Sometimes she has two or three.   
Special Abilities: Being forgiven for being a complete prat, killing people, and making sudden changes of affiliation.   
Love Interests: Any hot jedi/sith, she often finds excuses for... how do I put this delicately? ..."fraternizing" with Jedi by being ordered by her master (if she has one) to seduce them.   
Is she going to die 70% chance that she will die in a tragically noble battle against her former sith partner.   
How common is she? Even more common than the Pilot Sue. And that is saying something, considering that you can't shake a stick in the Star Wars section without hitting a Pilot Sue.__

_Cyber Sue_   
Description: "She wasn't beautiful, but she was averagely pretty", "She was the most beautiful thing Luke had ever seen" , "'But Star Wars is just a film!' She cried. 'No Sue, Corellia is your natural home,' nodded Luke. 'The prophecy foretold your return'".   
Age: Well she starts off as 13-14 but after a few months she ages into a young woman. How else would they get smut with Luke/Lando/Chewbacca?   
Personality: She is one extreme or the other, she is either more bubbly than a Jacuzzi (think Jar Jar Binks) or suicidal and tragically depressed.   
Weapons: Well of course she will start off with no weapons, but she will gain possesion of a ... wait for it ... lightsaber!   
Special Abilities: There is a prophecy made about her; she can learn how to use a lightsaber without the slightest difficulty and she can make characters act completely OOC: think Luke listening to rock music. Think Chewie in mood trousers. Think Wedge rapping. And last but not least she can sell any - I mean ANY thing - songs and religion are the most common.   
Love Interests: Luke; Lando; Wedge; Han; Anakin II (Han and Leia's son) any other children of Luke; Han; Leia; Wedge or a certain Wookie who shall remain unnamed (Chewbacca).   
Is she going to die? The day she dies is the day a flying pig walks on the frozen remains of hell, under a blue moon. She will however, tragically have to return to her own world and through some new technology close the portal - but don't worry - SueTech is so unreliable it will open again for a sequel!   
How common is she? Sadly, she is very common. I know. Cry me a river and build me a bridge.   


_In the next chapter, I will look at the amazing special powers Sue possesses. Till then, if you see a Sue, run as fast as gravity will allow you, get a box of matches and run back._   
  
  


Many thanks to:   
Feana Puddlefoot for allowing me to use her idea and format and inspiring me to write this with her original Guide to Mary-Sues: "The Essential Guide to Mary-Sue".   
My ever faithful beta reader Hayley.   
You, for reading this. Yep, that's my way of flattering you into reviewing.   
  



	2. Chapter II: The Power of Sue

_Thank you to anybody who reviewed, it is much appreciated. To , I get my references from various places, a common place for Sues is the Star Wars Chicks Fanfiction Archive:  and then click on fanfiction. You can also find quite a few Sues on Fanfiction.net (Go on find and try typing in "Original Character, Random character/OC, girl/s enter the Star Wars Universe or Not a Mary Sue)_

The Essential Guide to Star Wars Sue   
Original concept by Feana Puddlefoot   
Star Wars Guide by Imaginary Friend 

From being able to use all aspects of the force to being able to fly, the Star Wars Sue is the recipitent of many powers, they may be expected, they may be ridiculous, they may be...sue-ish. 

**Grey Force Powers**   
What is it? The Ability to control both the Dark Side and the Light Side of the Force.   
Who has it? Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, rather surpisingly considering she is from another world, Cyber Sue and once in a while Sith Sue.   
Why is it so annoying? Do I even have to explain? Dark Side, Light Side are the only sides that Georgie Lucas recognises. But of course, Sue defies the laws of canon and comes up with wonderful Sue Powers! 

**Fantastico Force**   
What is it? It is completely imaginary force tricks, take any elements, natural disaster or mysterious sounding words. Force Fire! Force Tsunami! Force Shadow! Force Metamorphosis! I could go on...   
Who has it? Anyone and everyone, I'm sure if you look around any public area (Supermarket, Shopping Mall etc) You'll see tons of people blasting each other with their Force Blizzards and Force Claws!   
Why is it so annoying? You seriously want to know why it is more annoying than Grey Force Powers? More annoying than say...the way the Second Death Star looks like it has been blasted (I know, I'm sad). If there were all these powers in the canon universe, that battle between Yoda and Dooku would of been a whole lot more exciting, true Obi-Wan and Anakin would be burnt, frozen and drowned but nonetheless it would make one hell of a battle. 

**Mind-altering toxins**   
What is it? The Sue produces high amounts of a toxin that makes canon characters instantly act out-of-character. The original evolutionary advantage of this toxin was to make the many predators that hunt for the Sue (Not for food, just to kill her) tender and caring, so the Sue can then escape. The toxin makes Obi-Wan an older brother/father/lover/super-hot inordinately young lover. Dooku a caring father and Lando a caring, understanding man who isn't interested in money, money, food and money.   
Who has it? All Sues are naturally equipped with this fearsome weapon and they use it whenever possible, so beware, for the Sue has arrived!   
Why is it so annoying?... 

**Accelerated Learning**   
What is it? The ability to learn the ways of a lightsaber and the force withing a matter of days, for an extra five pounds it comes with an age-accelerating pack which turns your average teenage Sue, into a Sue that is old enough for smut.   
Who has it? Cyber Sue and Orphan Sue, occasionly Pilot Sue will sport this power which is the latest fashion in the Sue World.   
Why is it so annoying? Because we (Or at least I) marvel at and envy this ability, and wish to have it for our own, think about it, school would be easy! 

**Flight**   
What is it? For all those who are in dire need of a dictionary and I mean _dire, urgent, extremel, cannot-be-delayed important need of a dictionary _then flight means flying.   
Who has it? Sith Sue and Orphan Sue, Orphan Sue will of survived somehow using it (I don't know! Flying through windows and stealing bread!) and Sith Sue will find it out while experimenting with the force (Yes, this also fits into Fantastico Force, silly Sue, I may have to use Force Blizzard on her)   
Why is it so annoying? Because we aren't birds. We aren't flying dolphins and we aren't dragons. Flight represents everything ridiculous (A flying pig is a ridiculous concept) and that is what this power is, ridiculous. 

_Next time, we will be trying to fathom the characters who fall in love with Sue, how poor they are and possible ways of curing them. But until then, make sure not to click on a link to a Sue Fic, unless you are properly equipped with a garlic, a wooden stake and an octopus.___

_Yours...___

_Imaginary Friend.___

Many thanks to...   
Feana Puddlefoot for the original concept.   
Hayley, my beta reader.   
Anyone who has reviewed.   
Anyone who is going to review.   
  
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	3. Chapter III: The Suckers of the Sue

_Note: I have taken a frightfully long time to update, but do not fear, the third chapter is here of…_

_Additional note: You may wish to skip the Game Suckers if you have not played the games. Or if you are playing the game, it contains spoilers. _

**__**

**__**

**The Essential Guide to Star Wars Sue**

_By Imaginary Friend_

_Original concept by Feana Puddlefoot._

Chapter II: Le Suckers

Mary-Sue is the object of attention of many a character in Star Wars, naturally, she must pick one to do unspeakable things to. Most things Mary-Sue does are unspeakable anyway, but these things are REALLY unspeakable. The people who fall for Mary-Sue are scientifically known as "Suckers".

**Jedi Sucker #1- Obi-Wan-Kenobi**

Yes Obi-Wan is a sucker, the poor guy is warped so many times that is surprising he hasn't gone completely bonkers. Of course, Alec Guinness/Obi-Wan doesn't exist (grrr) only young Ewan McGregor/ Obi-Wan.

_Who does he fall in love with? _Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, Sith Sue and the occasional Pilot Sue.

_Does it work out? _I'm afraid not my friends, unfortunately (I use the term loosely) Mary-Sue and Obi-Wan do not work out; Mary-Sue sacrifices herself desperately to save him from Darth Maul.

**Jedi Sucker#2-Qui-Gon-Jinn**

I personally don't see the attraction (Probably because my father is virtually identical to him in both looks and personality) but Qui-Gon is frequently known for stripping off Mary-Sue's robe and having wild romps in an abandoned closet of Yoda's room (Ye gods, did I say that out loud?). Of course, Qui-Gon doesn't die, he is instead seriously injured. Mace Windu and Yoda made a serious mistake cremating him then. 

_Who does he fall in love with? _Jedi Sue or Orphan Sue

_Does it work out? _Yes, it works out, and it is fantastic. I'm sorry did my sarcasm drip on you?

**Jedi Sucker #3- Luke Skywalker**

Luke, the poor farm boy. We must wonder whether he gets together before or after he married? 

_Who does he fall in love with? _Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, but most commonly Pilot Sue.

_Does it work out? _Yes they live happily ever after and Mara Jade just goes and has fun not existing.

**Sith Sucker- Darth Maul**

Yes we find that Darth Maul, for some strange reason is no longer Zabrak! No! Now he is human and just has a slight fetish for spikes on his head and tattoos! Call it his way of rebelling. And if this isn't bad enough, Sidious is playing matchmaker! Bloody matchmaker! And no, it's not a humour fic.

_Who does he fall in love with? _Sith Sue (With Sidious setting up a blind date scheme) Jedi Sue (With Sidious setting up a blind date scheme) or Orphan Sue (With Sidious setting up a blind date scheme) I'm sensing a pattern here.

_Does it work out? _Yes

**Pilot Sucker- Wedge ****Antilles******

Wedge is very much sued, even more than Luke! Maybe it's the accent, maybe it's the X-Wing, maybe the Sues just ran out of people to sue and had to turn to him. But now poor Wedge can't even attack a Superstar Destroyer without some fangirl hurling themselves on his windscreen.

_Who does he fall in love with? _Pilot Sue, always Pilot Sue.

_Does it work out? _Again, yes and we must weep. 

**Game Sucker #1- Carth Onasi **

Games are not untouched by the plague of the Sues and thus game characters are frequently sued almost as much as film characters. Carth Onasi is from the game Knights of the Old Republic and is probably the only character from it that is unfortunate enough to be sued. Never mind that he is a widower with a lost child and *sigh* dreamy eyes *corrects self and clears throat*no, the sues do not care about…what do you call them? Oh yeah, important plot elements. 

_Who does he fall in love with? _Jedi Sue, Orphan Sue, Pilot Sue but never Sith Sue it seems.

_Does it work out? _Always.

**Game Sucker #2- Rosh Penin**

From the Jedi Knight: Jedi Academy games we bring you Rosh Penin! I personally don't see the attraction, he is completely ugly and bounces around like nobody's business, oh yeah and theres the minute fact that he turns to the dark side! 

_Who does he fall in love with? _A Jedi Sue, going under the name of Jaden Korr (These games make it far too easy for Sues) 

_Does it work out? _I hear wedding bells ringing in the distance.

**How can they be cured?**

Well, a couple of swift bangs to the head might do it, but there really is no way to free a character from the Sue's evil web, so we must sit by and watch them be warped out of recognition and do our best to prepare people and to mock the sue.

_That's all for this instalment. In the next chapter, I will be writing about Mary-Sue's parents, and how crazed they must have been. So until then, work on terminator robots to destroy the Sues._


End file.
